Fraternity Hires United Airlines to Re-Accommodate Unwanted Guests


“Mike”, the new guy collecting fives, feverishly pounds through stacks of paperwork at a mixer this past Monday in an attempt to let a brother’s ‘plus one’ in.

OFF CAMPUS – While risk management has become more and more of a hassle over the past few semesters, the treasurer of a local fraternity have been motivated by recent events to out-source security for social events.

United Airlines has been awarded with the privileged to run on the sober committee.

This contract, worth upwards of $100,000, is about all United is able to handle after the downward spiral of PR events that have taken place recently.

The task of the airline is to patrol mixers, opens, and dages, and responsibly handle any security situations that arise. This contract notes any person causing problems, stealing things, or entering blocked off areas of the house should be “asked a few times to leave” however after about three or four times they are able to “rough the fucker up, bop his nose” and then “drag the limp body onto the lawn”.

While E-Board has been struggling to find a resolve, United has proven themselves a worthy security force after removing a passenger on an overbooked flight with complete mastery of compassion and business integrity.

“I really think this is going to work out” commented one brother. “Besides, if this doesn’t go smoothly we can rush in Chicago PD to clean up”.



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